So, as seeming to be the case for my last few blog posts, the topic surrounding this blog post is something I really did not want to write about, being honest here. Something I didn’t really want to confront myself with. But well, here I am. And it’s moments like these where I’m mentally L-O-L-ing at myself.
With all this talk about new years resolutions, I’ve just been thinking to myself about what I want for this year. You see, I don’t do the whole new years resolutions thingy. Sorry to poop on your party but that’s just not my thing. No, I’m not so self conceited that I’m like, “I’m so perfect, I don’t need one.” It’s more that I want a life resolution something that doesn’t start with the new year, but starts now in this weary, little heart of mine.
So, now moving past that, the reason I’m writing this post that I don’t really want to write, nor do I want anyone to know about. Let’s move on to that.
As I thought today and just poured out to God a smorgasbord of things that are troubling me right now, and how I want to see a change in them, this one thing is the same thing that I’ve been wanting a change in. This thing is something that has affected me since I’ve been saved and has been my biggest fear of letting go of. And yet it’s the thing that I want freedom from. Freedom that only Christ can offer. This thing is my body image. dun, dun, dun……. (dramatic effect).
Regarding my body image, let’s just say I have the worst body image. And when I mean worst, I mean it. I may look healthy, but my mind despises the body that holds it. This is the thing I have wrestled with for 3 1/2 years now. You see, I hate the mirror, but yet I find myself in front of it yet again, picking at my stomach and rehearsing in my head all the reasons I hate it. “Eww, who would like that? You don’t have a six pack. Look, you shouldn’t have eaten that, your body looks gross now.” These are just a few of the things I have said to myself. No matter how hard I work out, how many compliments I get that “i’m beautiful,” I still loathe my body. Let’s be honest here, I hate it. I hate that I don’t have that six pack body, that I’m not entirely muscle, that I don’t have the perfect body.
These are the same things I said to my Lord this morning. I hate the body HE made. The body HE crafted so divinely. And let’s make this clear too. I said all of these after I had a critic session in front of my mirror. You see, I’ve realized the thing you loathe the most, you love. And for me thats the mirror, the scale, and the waistband. As much as I hate the numbers and pictures that they give me, I go back to them once again to find out what they have to say about me. I let a number define who I am. “Oh, you went up 1 lb from yesterday Aleks? You’re so ugly and fat. I mean look at yourself.” But yet, God confronted me today on the issue. “Aleks, your body is the temple of my divine majesty and yet you look on it with disgrace. You loathe the body I made. The temple I made. You hurl insults at it. But yet, if you saw my temple [inserting clarification here, God’s temple as a building], you would praise it and marvel at how beautiful it looks. The temple in which my Majesty resides, and yet you disgrace the temple of your body. The Holy Temple that holds My Spirit.” *drop the mic. #straightfire #jesustruthbomb
Wow. I was dumbfounded. But yet His words were filled with so much truth. Truth that this weary heart needed to hear for a long time. And something else He said that hit me like a tidal wave was, “Aleks you let a mirror tell you who you are, but you refuse to let my Word tell you who you are. And Aleks, I know no matter what man loved your body, you would still not love it, because you know that I love your body, and you still do not love it.” Wow.
And yet I heard those words after I read Revelation 22:1-21, with verse 14 standing out to me. “Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates into the city.” And as I read that verse, I wrote down a note regarding it. I wrote, [wash your robes! what is dirtying them?] After I heard the voice of my Holy and loving Savior, my eyes were fixed on that verse. Especially the first part. “Blessed are those who wash their robes…” And as I went back to the note I wrote, what is dirtying them, I was in awe of God. My poor body-image was dirtying my robe. And it had been dirtying my robe for the last 3 1/2 years of my life since I’ve been wearing the robe.
As I realized that, I knew that this was what I need to start doing as a life resolution. I need to resolve, to decide, to choose, to make up my mind and do, no matter how hard it got, to love the temple in which His Holy Spirit resides. My body. It was so fitting that as I read Revelation, the last book of the Bible, the book that describes a closing to an old life and the beginning of a new one, I was reading it on the last day of the year. That as this year closed up, like a scroll, a new year was being unfolded. As I continually defiled this temple this year, a new year was beginning, and the time was now and will always be to wash my robe. And wash, I have begun. Will it be a hard process? Yes. There will be some hard stains to get out, but His blood is able to remove any stain. And His precious and Holy blood will be the reason this stain is removed from my robe.
This is where the 2nd part of the verse comes in. “That they may have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates of the city.” By washing my robe, I have the right to the tree of life and I’m able to go through the gates of the city. By washing my robe, I am able to receive all that the Lord has in store for me this upcoming year and forevermore.
And so are you, on the notion that you wash your robes. As this thing has stained my robe and has left it in need of a wash, what this year has stained your robe making it in need of a wash? What has defiled your robe? What do you need to rid yourself of, aka, wash off of your robe? For as you wash your robe, you are made clean again. And a new year is a time to start clean, but now is an even better time to start clean. What must you be made clean of to receive all that God has in store for you this upcoming year my friends? He will clean you Himself dear children. The very hands that were pierced for you will clean your robe, but only if you let Him. As it is written in John 13:8, “‘No,’ said Peter, ‘you shall never wash my feet.’ Jesus answered, ‘Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.'”
Will you let Him wash your robes and cleanse them with me? For dirty robes uncleaned this year will be dirty robes uncleaned next year. Will you let Him wash them now?
well, i’m outtie.