my confession.

So, before I start, let me say, I’ve been dreading the thought of writing this post for the last few days. You may think, so then why are you? Well, God continues to lay it upon my heart to share this with you all in the hopes that you will be encouraged, or convicted, so that He may receive all the more glory in your life that is due to Him for all He has done.

So (i know I use that word a lot, but please continue), the other night I had to crucify an idol. An idol that I have worshipped since before I stepped on Liberty’s campus and since I have come home for the summer. An idol that blinded my heart from the true satisfaction my precious Savior gives in abundance. That idol was and is marriage.

A couple of nights ago, that idol was chopped down with a heavy, repentant heart, and many tears.

This past year at school, and all this summer, marriage has been at the forefront of my mind. Am I even in a relationship, or was I? No, but that thought had taken captive of my heart this past year.

For many of you who know me, I love deeply. And honestly, I’ll confess that I’m the girl who will speak to a guy for five seconds and already start planning our future together. I’m crazy, I know. You don’t have to say that again. But this past year, I did everything with the thought always coming back to, “I’ll only do this for God if there’s a possibility I’ll meet my future husband,” or, “I’ll do that when I’m married,” and even, “you can do that for God, but I want to get married.” Many times, that thought blinded my eyes to the opportunities God was placing right in front of me to share His love and light. Hidden behind so many excuses why I didn’t want to do something, God saw my heart, and lovingly led me to the point of surrender just the other night.

You see, there was nothing wrong with wanting to get married, or if a guy showed interest, in contemplating if I had any feelings or could even see a relationship with him, but there was a problem in putting the calling God has placed on my life and opportunities He has given me on the back burner while I thought long and hard about marriage and made an idol of it. There was a problem in finding my satisfaction in my relationship status currently, and in the future.

The question I had heard from God all semester and so deceitfully answered that He asked me once again on Thursday that broke me was, “If you were single for the rest of your life Aleks, would I be enough?” So many times before, I would quickly assert yes, to truly not believe my own words. But Thursday, God asked the same exact question He had wanted me to answer truthfully all year long one more time. This time, holding back tears and anger, I finally said, “no, you’re not enough.” A weight had lifted off my shoulder, for the truth had come out once and for all. The answer He so lovingly asked each time waiting to hear the truth, He finally got. Now, don’t think God was sitting on His throne waiting for me to finally screw up and laugh at me, and be like, “you wanna tell me the truth now Aleks?” with some sass in His voice. In fact, His response was quite the opposite.

In the instant I finally told Him the true answer to His question and laying out before Him everything I had done to conceal my true answer,  He so lovingly replied, “I know, Aleks. That’s all I’ve wanted to hear. The truth. And Aleks, my beloved, I know you’re not there yet, but I will get you there. I know you’re not satisfied in me alone, but I will get you there.”

Let me tell you, the tears fell as I was distraught with myself. The One who nothing is hidden from, knew my intentions all along, knew my lies, and saw through my games, saw all of that. And, He so patiently waited for me to finally answer Him with the truth. Friends, if that is not grace, I don’t know what is.

As I poured out my heart to the One who sits on the throne, the tears fell, and forgiveness was all I could ask for. Not only did I want to be forgiven, I wanted to change.  I wanted that idol chopped down, and disintegrated. I wanted and want more than anything to find my satisfaction in Him alone. Because God whispered another so simple truth I tried to run from. “Aleks, if I’m not enough for you now, I won’t be enough when you have a husband, and I won’t be enough when you have a family.” That hit me like a tidal wave.

Now, am I saying that I want to be single for the rest of my life. Um, heck to the no! Does this mean that marriage is wrong? Uh, no. Does this mean, marriage still can’t be something that I desire? Another no. Let me be the first to say, marriage is a beautiful thing. It is something I admire, and desire because I want to experience a love in my life that is not tainted by selfishness from a man. I want to experience a love that is pure and not corrupted. I want some man to look at me, and think, “man, I scored the jackpot, flaws and all.” I want to learn how to love someone else more than myself. I want to learn what it means to be committed to someone for life. Now, let me also say, all of those things are great, but I was looking for my satisfaction in them. I was looking for a man, a creation, to satisfy this emptiness in my heart, instead of my Creator who created my heart with an emptiness only He could fill.

Learning what I have just wrote was just as hard as learning the truth I had been lying to my Savior. After crucifying that idol, I thought I had to give up the idea of ever getting married and falling in love. I thought I had to forsake the idea of ever liking the guy. But then God spoke so sweetly to me again. “Aleks, I have not told you that you cannot desire marriage, I gave you that desire, and I know that you want it more than anything. But I want you to love me more than that person. I want you to find your complete satisfaction in me before I show you the man of your dreams. I want to be your husband. I want to be your first and only love. I want to have the only place in your heart.”

Hearing that was so refreshing, because I realized I don’t have to forsake that desire, because God gave me that desire. To be in a God honoring marriage is a godly desire, but I need to find my fulfillment in Christ alone, not in His blessings.

So from reading that, to be honest, I’m still not at the point where I can say Christ would be enough if I was single for the rest of my life. But here’s the most amazing thing ever. I don’t have to be at that point right now, because He will bring me to that point. I don’t have to be perfect, because first of all I’m not, and second of all, I can’t be, but the greatest truth is, Christ is perfect and I’m resting in His grace. I’m resting in the fact that He will bring me to the point that I can say, no matter what my relationship status is in the future, I’m completely satisfied in Christ alone, even if I stay single for the rest of my life.

So right now, I’m on a pursuit to fall madly in love with my Redeemer. I’m on a pursuit to find fulfillment in Him and Him alone, because apart from Him, I have nothing, and am empty. I’m waking up each day seeing where He leads me, letting Him open my weakened eyes to the opportunities He is placing right before me to serve Him. I want to marry my Maker, because He is my husband, and I am His bride. My nose ring, it’s my engagement ring to Him, because I’m getting married to my Creator. I’m trusting that He will bring the guy of my dreams to me at just the right time. But until that time, this is a time for me and my Creator to deem sacred as I am swooned by His love for me, and find my ultimate contentment in Him, because I want that more than anything. I want to be satisfied by Him alone. Though I may not feel like that everyday, and am still struggling with the fact I can’t say that He would be enough if I stayed single, I’m abiding in His word and the truth God spoke to me through His word in John 11:40. “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God.” He said, “Aleks, even if you don’t feel that I’m enough, BELIEVE that I am enough, and you will see my glory in your life.”

So my friends, this is what I’m doing. At times is it hard, yes, sometimes I wish I could cry my eyes out, but at other times I’ve never felt so joyful. I’m believing that He is enough and will be enough, because the truth is, HE HAS BEEN ENOUGH! And lets be real here, I’ve been single for 19 years now, and He has never been working more mightily in my life, so I am expecting more this year. I’m pressing into the more of God, because I want Him to be my ultimate satisfaction and desire. And I’ve never done the whole praying scripture over myself personally before, but I want to start it with this verse regarding this part of my life right now. That verse is, Daniel 3:18. “But even if He does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” My, that verse is just so good.

So, I don’t know how God spoke to you through this post. But if you’re struggling with me, let’s pray this verse over ourselves together to believe that He is good despite what our relationship status will be in the future and is currently, because He is good, He is worthy of our heart’s deepest affections, and ONLY He is able to fill the emptiness we have in our hearts that we are seeking to fill through a relationship. Let’s embrace the relationship statuses we are all in, whether married, dating, or single and continue to seek to be completely satisfied and madly in love with Christ, the ultimate lover of our souls.

For my prayer I have for us all is that we would never settle for any love less than the agape love, only our Heavenly father can provide. Let us never turn our eyes or let our hearts be led astray by a love that ceases after the world passes away. Let our eyes be fixed on Jesus, and let our hearts be never satisfied with His love, but always seeking to fall more madly in love with Him.

My friends, would you pray this prayer with me?

well, I’m outtie.

-Aleks B.

 

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