So, I know it’s been a couple weeks since my last post, and you might be a little confused and upset if you’ve been following along….but I have an explanation.
Lately God has really been convicting me of some stuff I’ve been hiding for a while this summer, and to be honest, I’ve just been so busy with my two jobs. Literally my motto this summer has been Jesus, work, sleep….literally.
But getting back to the point, these past couple of weeks, God has shown up in amazing ways, and what I’m about to share about is how He showed up in an amazing way, as He always does though.
So…..a couple weeks ago I started to think about dropping out of Liberty completely and just working at home. It was something I had been feeling to do over the summer, but just wasn’t sure and during my one church service, the idea just hit me like a tidal wave. After much prayer and seeking Godly counsel, I realized that would be such a foolish move, and I myself knew that, but I needed God to show me and to speak to others to find out why. I wanted to drop out because I didn’t want to give an answer. An answer to what you may ask? Well, these things…..
So starting this past spring semester, I became a prayer warrior for the YoungLife ministry at my school, and while I loved it, the adult leaders wanted me to become a leader and voiced that to me towards the end of the semester. Well, around that time too my friends became prayer leaders and were telling me how our hall didn’t have many whatsoever, and how I would make a great one. While both of those forms of ministry sounded great, I had one specific objection to each of them. For the YoungLife ministry, I just did not feel called, like whatsoever. As well, I just don’t have a passion for being involved in youth ministry. While I find it very important, it’s just not a form of ministry that God has given me a huge heart for. As far as the prayer leader, or community leader position, I felt like I had it in the bag, like I could so easily do that, but that’s why I didn’t want to, because I could do that ministry without God, and I did not want that whatsoever. So I tried to run, but God found me.
Being completely honest here, I’m the biggest coward you will ever meet who struggles to live in the victory Christ has given me through the cross. I hate letting people down, I hate messing up, I hate looking like a failure, and I hate the fact that I actually have a future in Christ, because being totally honest here, before I was saved, I never saw one for me, I honestly saw a tombstone carved out with my name on it.
So now considering that, one morning my dad and I got into a huge argument about me dropping out of Liberty, you know, the conversation where they basically say you’re throwing everything away. While he was right, I didn’t want to hear it. Well, that night I poured my heart out to God and asked Him to show me what He wanted for me this school year and what I should do because I was out of answers. I was so lost in what to do, even though I didn’t and don’t have to do anything. But God showed up in such an amazing way.
That night I opened up my Bible to do my devotions after having a little crying sesh with Jesus and read the verses, Matthew 9:36-38. “When He saw the crowds, He has compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then He said to His disciples, ‘The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into His harvest field.'” Wow. Like just wow, I get chills reading those verses. That night God so clearly spoke and told me He was calling me to be a prayer leader. You may think, well couldn’t that apply to the YoungLife thing, um no. God’s word so perfectly fit into the position of my hall this upcoming year. I have such a huge passion for young adult women, and my hall this year had only 3 prayer leaders so far, and altogether we need 11. Like what? There is a harvest of girls on our hall, but few workers, “aka,” community leaders. I had been praying for my RA’s earlier this summer that they would find women who want to be prayer leaders and in that moment God called me now to be His worker in the harvest. Like He is just so stinking good.
Now, going back earlier you may think, Aleks, you didn’t want this position because you could do it. Well, back to my honesty session, I’m a big-talking coward. After hearing God so clearly call me to this position, immediately my head filled with doubt and I was like God, are you sure you’re asking the right person right now? Do you know who you’re asking? I can’t do that. But then He spoke so ever graciously to me again. You’re right Aleks, you can’t, but I can. Boom, crackle, pop, idk….whatever gives you the dramatized effect of being slammed into a wall so graciously by such a good heavenly father.
I so needed to hear that, because I did not want to pursue the calling He gave me. And now, flash forward to this current week, I’ve been an absolute train wreck. Guys, I am so freaking scared. I’m like so scared I could cry all day about it. I don’t get why God would choose me, seeing who I used to be, and who I still am. I’m scared to see how God uses me because I don’t want to fail, and even more, I don’t want to succeed. I would rather just not do it at all. But the scarier thing is that God can so easily ask someone else if I say no, and that is why I can’t say no to God. It’s because He chose me to do this, He chose me to interview to be a community leader, not someone else named Aleks with a “ks,” me. But even though I know that, I’m so scared to go after God’s calling because I don’t know what it will look like, and I’m scared to let His glory shine through me because I honestly wonder, what good can come from a broken vessel. But I guess I’m in good hands, because that’s who He wants. He wants me. That changes everything. Does it still mean I’m scared to death, um, yes x 1000000000000. Does it mean that I still might cry a lot about it, yes. But it also means, I’m going to take hold of what He has for me, because He promises good, whether that good is on this side of heaven or not, because it for sure will be good in paradise with Him.
One verse right now, that I’m clinging to my dad shared with me over this matter is, 2 Corinthians 5:7. “For we live by faith, not by sight.” Oh, how this verse is like water to a dried-up root. It is so refreshing. Though I can’t see the outcome, and I’m scared, I will live by faith in the One who called me out of the darkness and into the light and trust that He knows what He’s doing, and He is faithful.
So while this post may have been a little and startling to some of you, I hope my honesty touched you in some way. I hope you saw the side of Aleks you never knew, the coward Aleks, so when His power is displayed, you may see it as well in my life. So while I am still so scared, of which, I ask, could you please keep me in your prayers that I would live by faith in the One who called me, and to what He has called me to, I am going to take hold of what He has called me to, because He has called me. While it is scary, I know my reward is good, and I know whose hands I am in, and let me tell you, they are good hands! So in wrapping my post up, my final words are would you live by faith with me in the one who called us into His marvelous light? Would you dare to ignore the deceit of the enemy of our souls and go after what it is He has called you to? I can’t promise you the journey will be easy, I can’t promise you that you won’t want to give up and cave in, but one thing I can promise you is that it is worth it, because your reward is with Him. And my friends, the reward is good.
Well, i’m outtie.